Lola In The City

I am not proud to admit this. Not proud at all. But here it goes...I just finished reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You." Yep. Normally I am of the opinion that self-help books are a load of crap. My method of dealing with emotional and psychological health is usually "deal with your shit." But we know how well that's been working out for me. So after several recent occurrences I decided to check it out.  

Truthfully, I went into it thinking, "Oh, none of this will apply to ME! It will all be really obvious stuff, intended for all the crazy girls out there." Well, surprise surprise! I have learned that my Crazy Girl has been driving the bus far more often than I realized. This was a very eye opening book which made me rethink every encounter I have had with the opposite sex pretty much ever. Well, that might be an exaggeration. But it definitely shed some light on a lot of confusing and disappointing experiences I have had in my life. 

As I read the book I was amazed at the excuses and justifications I have used for why certain guys weren't asking me out or taking things to the next level. "My strong personality intimidates him." "He doesn't want to jeopardize our friendship." "He just got out of a relationship." "He is a fuckwit." "He is gay." (OK, those last two are actually often true.) What I learned is that if a decent, quality guy is REALLY interested in you, none of that matters. None of it. If he is really interested he will nut up. He won't care about the friendship if it means the potential for sex. He will bounce back if he is truly interested. 

I thought of some of the people I know and realized this is true. I think my friends Lindsey and Glenn are a great example. They met waiting in line at a movie. She was waiting for her mom. He was waiting for a friend. After the movie they continued talking and Lindsey's mom realized what was happening. She tried to distract Glenn's friend and give them some privacy but with no luck. So Glenn just cowboyed up and asked Lindsey out right there. In front of her mom. Let's be honest. That could not have been comfortable for anyone present. But Glenn did it because he really wanted to see her again. (Isn't that story just so goddamn sweet it makes your teeth hurt???) 

This is a really depressing realization. I think I am awesome. It was much easier to deal with rejection when I thought there was some extenuating circumstance behind it. To learn all of these guys just aren't interested is a little demoralizing.

On the other hand, it is very liberating to no longer waste the energy wondering. Says you have beautiful, shiny hair but won't touch you? Not interested. Go out together then end the evening with a high five? Not interested. Repeatedly makes eye contact but never approaches? Not interested. Moving on.  

In other good news, I am already well ahead of the game when it comes to the final piece of advice which is, "Don't settle." I got that one! Lie about your age and want to move to the YMCA? We're done. Fall asleep on my couch on Valentine's Day? You're outta here. When I made the decision to end my marriage a big part of the process was coming to the realization that being alone was better than being in an awful relationship. And while being alone sucks I still maintain that it is better than dealing with some asshole.

You know what else? There is nothing wrong with wanting what I want which is a man who will step right up and let it be known that he is interested in me. Someone who sincerely appreciates how awesome I am. And it will be worth wait. And so I wait.