Lola In The City

I am awesome. I know this. I don't mean to sound arrogant. But I do know this to be true. I am funny. I am reasonably smart. I am honest (maybe a little blunt, but I am honest). I have diverse interests. I mean, sure, I could stand to lose {hmpph} pounds. And I have been told on more than one occasion that I resemble Illeana Douglas and Maya Rudolph, neither of whom are really known for their stunning beauty. But I am awesome. 

You know how else I know this? Because I am told this frequently by other people. Sometimes even by men. Unfortunately it ususally goes something like this: 

"Gee, Elizabeth, I can't believe you're single. You're awesome! I would date you if..."

• If I weren't married. 
• If I didn't have a girlfriend.  
• If I were straight.
• If I were interested in dating right now.
• If it weren't for the age difference. 
• If we lived closer.
• If I were a lesbian. (Why do so many people think I'm a lesbian?)