Lola In The City

As most of you know, I signed up for eHarmony about a month ago. It seems every couple of years I lose my fricking mind and decide that on-line dating might not be such a bad idea after all. Ha.

It has been quite the experience so far. Not so much because of the plethora of dates. I’ve had one. I know what you are thinking. “How can that be, Elizabeth? You are awesome!” Yes, I am. The matches eHarmony has sent me, though. Not so much.

Here is a run down of some of the winners they have sent me:

• There was Simon from Chicago who’s first attempt at communication was, “Do you ever get stoned before going to look at art? It’s awesome!” (For the record, I do not.)

• There was Steven from Glendale Heights. Steven was a devoted cat person and unabashed liberal. He enjoys sci-fi/fantasy and attending conventions. Things he is thankful for? A cute and fuzzy cat that likes to sleep on his lap. Things he can’t live without? Cats. How does he typically spend his leisure time? Playing with kitty cats (his words, not mine).

• There was Tom from Mount Prospect. Tom was passionate his little white dog Sofie, the Cincinnati Bengals, and his mom. That’s right. His mom.

• There was Robert from Chicago. Robert was not wearing shoes in any of his photos, including the one in which he was wearing khakis and a blazer as well as the one in which he was wearing jeans and a wife-beater. All were taken in exactly the same spot in what I assume was his living room.

• There was Steve from Hoffman Estates who wrote an entire paragraph about how great his relationship is with his ex-wife.

• There was Paul from Barrington, a widower who specifically said that he is looking for someone to be a mother to his 10, 8, and 5 year olds.

• There was another widower whose name and city escape me but his profile picture was of him and his late wife, “the love of my life.” I think someone still needs some time to heal.

• There was Randy from Griffith, IN who loves living in the country (y’all know I’m a city girl, right?). He appears to live in a double wide. He hasn’t read a book since his divorce. In one of his photos he is holding up a fish he caught and smoking a cigarette.

• Randy isn’t the only one who doesn’t read books. The reasons range from “I just don’t have time” to “I prefer to read newspapers and magazines” to “i havn’t red a book since high scool. why bother?” (Asked and answered.)

• I have been stunned at the number of spelling and grammatical errors. Do people even bother reading this stuff before posting it?

• There are the guys who TYPE IN ALL CAPS. That just makes my eyes hurt. I can’t even read it.

• there are also those who type in all lower case. we have a joke at work about how that means someone is typing with one hand.

•There are those who don't use complete words or sentences. Basically they use text message abbreviations. Which I don't even use when I'm texting. 

• There have been countless suburban dads who love golf.

• There have been a lot of guys from Indiana and Wisconsin (I mentioned I’m a city girl, right?).

• Recently it seems like there are at least 2 or 3 a day who don’t have any photos. What are you hiding? A Gorbachev type birthmark? Or perhaps a wife?

• The average height seems to be about 5’-7”. 

After the first couple of weeks I was so baffled that I actually e-mailed eHarmony to see if perhaps there was error I made in filling out my profile that caused them to send me so many obviously unsuitable matches. Their response? “At this time we do not match based on common interests. Our matches are based on our Key Dimensions of Compatibility. It is then up to you and your match to determine if you have common interests through our Guided Communication.” What the hell made them think I was compatible with Steven from Glendale Heights?!?!?

They went on to suggest that I not wait for a match to contact me, that it is perfectly acceptable for the woman to initiate communication. Hey, I am not shy and I am paying money for this. If there is a match that I think is interesting you can be damn sure that I am going to make a move. Especially since they are so rare. The problem? The few I found interesting, or at the very least tolerable, never responded. The answer to that dilemma became clear after a friend shared a link to a website with reviews of eHarmony’s service. I then continued to do a little more research (yes, I realize the smart thing would have been to do the research before paying money). What I learned from this belated research is that they will match paying and non-paying people.

Wait just one cotton-pickin’ minute. After months of agonizing over this decision and finally swallowing my pride. After listening to so many people tell me that on-line dating is the way to go. After buying the hype that eHarmony is different because of their scientific methods and that their higher price means you are getting matched with people who are serious about meeting someone. After all of that, you mean to tell me that some of my matches haven’t even paid and are therefore incapable of communicating with me? What the fuck?

Now I was mad. The nice, polite e-mail I had sent asking how I could ensure I was getting better matches turned into a full on Crazy Girl, curse-word strewn, I-think-your-organization-is-shit e-mail. But I have to give them credit. They responded rather quickly and personally, explaining that the reason they match paying and non-paying is so that everyone can experience the benefit of their system based on Key Dimensions of Compatibility. That way when a non-paying member sees someone who interests them, they can sign up to start communication. I did not like that answer one bit. In fact, it lead to another full on Crazy Girl, curse-word strewn, I-think-your-organization-is-shit e-mail in which I told them that I did not sign up to be part of the marketing strategy to get more paying members.

This exchange went on for 2-1/2 days. It became a game for me. I figured as long as they kept giving me the same answer, I was going to keep making the same complaint. But apparently 2-1/2 days is as long as eHarmony will humor a crazy person.

During all of that I took down all of my photos and posted this message on my profile:

“If you are one of the few paying members who received my profile as a match, I’m sorry. I have learned that eHarmony is a scam. Chances are we wouldn’t have anything in common anyway. Good luck!”

But after about a week, I settled down and realized I have paid money for this service for 3 months. I might as well make the most of it. So, I put my photos back up. I revamped my profile information. And I review my 7 matches every day.

Despite eHarmony’s advice that you should go on lots and lots of dates and that the process can take months and months (and lots of membership $$$) I believe it takes just one good match. Maybe I’ll find him on eHarmony. Maybe I won’t. But I did promise to entertain you with my experience, so I hope I have succeeded with that.