Lola In The City

Someone recently suggested that since I am no longer dating (and I have now decided to think of this as a "lifestyle choice" rather than a sad state of affairs) I should start reviewing all of the music I go hear. Because while I may not be dating, I am certainly not sitting home like some sort of wall flower. And if I am going to go do stuff by myself I might as well do what I love...which is listening to live music. 

But let's be honest. I'm not really qualified to be...

I have to admit. I have pretty much given up hope of meeting a man who at some point doesn't make me want to smother him in his sleep. But that doesn't mean there aren't moments when that hope flares up like million hot suns only to burn out like a dying star. Tonight on my way home from work, I had one of those moments. 

I noticed a guy on the train, standing about where I usually stand. He was tall, broad shouldered, ruggedly handsome (but not so handsome as to be out...

I find it troubling how often I am inclined to start with a reminder of my age. I don't know if I do that for you or for me. But let's be honest. By the time you are 42 there are certain things you should know better. One of those things is how NOT to get a hairbrush stuck in your hair. Sure, there may be the occasional tangle mishap. But once you are past the age of...oh, lets say 12...those mishaps should not take 4-1/2 hours, canola oil, hair conditioner, manicure scissors and two friends ...

I am a 42 year old woman. No...wait...let me clarify. I am a 42 year old, overweight, out of shape woman with negligible athletic ability who is still nursing some nasty injuries after recently slipping on an acorn. (I only mention the acorn incident as an example of my complete lack of grace and coordination.) So, keeping all of these factors in mind, what the hell made me think it was a good idea to go play flag football with a bunch of 20-somethings???

I admit that acting...

Five years ago today this little shit came into my life. 

Because we are dorks, we refer to today as our "Lolaversary." (And I, being the bigger of the two dorks, pretend Lola even cares.) 

Truth be told, I don't know what I would do without her. Lola and I have been through some shit in our five years together. 

• Broken leg (her)
• Di...

I walked out of my apartment this morning to see this note on the stairs leading up to Creepy Landlord's apartment: 

"Paul (Creepy Landlord), 

Please let me know when the lease ends. 

Thanks, 

Jeff (Douche Bag in apt. 1F)"

Oh, happy day! Could it be he will be moving out soon??? One can only hope. 

I am quite proud of how well I have adapted to apartment living considering the six years before I m...

I am not proud to admit this. Not proud at all. But here it goes...I just finished reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You." Yep. Normally I am of the opinion that self-help books are a load of crap. My method of dealing with emotional and psychological health is usually "deal with your shit." But we know how well that's been working out for me. So after several recent occurrences I decided to check it out.  

Truthfully, I went into it thinking, "Oh, none of this ...

After 5 days of heinous fuckery with my sister (which means copious amounts of fattening food and gallons and gallons of beer) what I should have done last night was: 

1. Clean my dog hair covered apartment
2. Find and eliminate what died in my fridge
3. Detox
4. Get a good night's sleep

I am awesome. I know this. I don't mean to sound arrogant. But I do know this to be true. I am funny. I am reasonably smart. I am honest (maybe a little blunt, but I am honest). I have diverse interests. I mean, sure, I could stand to lose {hmpph} pounds. And I have been told on more than one occasion that I resemble Illeana Douglas and Maya Rudolph, neither of whom are really known for their stunning beauty. But I am awesome. 

You know how else I know this? Because I a...

Who needs eHarmony? 

I love that my friends take such interest in my dating life. Usually that interest is in the form of, "Hahaha! Sorry your dating life sucks but I want you to go on some more bad dates. The stories are hilarious!" Yeah, that's what I'm here for...to entertain you with tales of my woe and loneliness. 

Other friends take a more active approach, although with less than successful results. For example, the other night a friend at w...

1. If David Johansen can rock at the age of 61, then so can I at 42. Even on a Wednesday night. I might pay for it the next day...but I can do it. 

2. There is a very good reason I seem to be losing my hearing at my young age (stop laughing). But I don't want to be the old nerd with the ear plugs. 

3. Don't wear sandals to a show at Double Door. 

4. If you are going to have an album called "Dancing Backwards in High Heels" t...

For those of you who have expressed your disappointment at the end of my eHarmony experience, fear not. My love life is as entertaining (for you) and disappointing (for me) as always. So lets see...what's been going on: 

The Ex-Husband

Well, hearing from him certainly isn't news. It was just kind of funny stumbling upon several e-mails from him when I was cleaning out an e-mail I don't use any more. (No, I have NOT given him my new e-mail address. Hell, I l...

Let me just start by saying if you are going to lie on your eHarmony profile you should really make sure your Facebook privacy settings are locked down. No, I'm serious. Go check them. I'll wait... 

Now that we are all locked down, here is the story. 

Obviously, I have not posted anything about my eHarmony edeavors for a while. There are a couple of reasons for that: 

1. It just got depressing to share the losers they were m...

I have a friend who has been posting a daily haiku weather forecast. I have been responding in haiku with how the weather affects me (because as we all know, I LOVE to write about ME). I have found this to be very inspiring and decided to write an entry about dating all in haiku. So, here you go. 

eHarmony sucks

My matches are pathetic

But I'm not alone

If what's said is true

Forty is the new thirty

I still have some time

...

As most of you know, I signed up for eHarmony about a month ago. It seems every couple of years I lose my fricking mind and decide that on-line dating might not be such a bad idea after all. Ha.

It has been quite the experience so far. Not so much because of the plethora of dates. I’ve had one. I know what you are thinking. “How can that be, Elizabeth? You are awesome!” Yes, I am. The matches eHarmony has sent me, though. Not so much.

Here...

First of all, I KNOW what I have said about on-line dating. So please refrain from throwing that back at me. Do you have any idea how long it has been since I have had an actual date??? I don't mean lunch with a gay guy. Or the "dates" that turned out to not really be dates because that guy just thinks of me as a "really good friend." And I am not counting Mr. Eh who tagged along to a concert I was already going to. I mean a DATE. 

And, really. How many ti...

Usually that phrase makes me think of Gloria Gaynor and I start singing loudly and badly. But today I say it because after 3-1/2 weeks and  

• 4 boxes of tissues
• 2 boxes of Advil cold and sinus
• 1 bottle of Tylenol night time cold and flu
• 1 bottle of Delsym cough syrup
• 2 bags of cough drops
• 1 box of Dayquil
• 1 combo box of Dayquil/Nyquil
• 1 Z-pack of antibiotics
• 1 bottle of whiskey
• 5 lemons
• 3/4 of ...

So, there I stood in my friends John and Vivian's dining room, 100 pounds of dog running around while I was trying to turn off the alarm. Lola and I were there to take care of their dog (and Lola's BFF) Blanche, something we usually do a few times a month. In fact we had just been there the night before without incident. Which is what makes what happened that much more ridiculous.

I entered the alarm code - ____#...and nothing happened. 

I entered...

I just finished reading Mennonite in a Little Black Dress. The synapses on the back mentions the author’s husband left her for a man he met on Gay.com. I thought that sounded hilarious, especially considering my propensity for being attracted to gay men. It did not mention that her husband was bipolar. So it was quite a shock to start reading this book and suddenly feel like someone had been peeking in my windows during my marriage. It also got me started thinking a lot about my ...

Three years ago today I moved to Chicago. Is it weird that I celebrate the day I moved here? I don't know anyone else who does that. Maybe it is because I worked so hard to get here and even harder to stay here.

Fortunately the last year has been far less tumultuous than the first two. Even so, I had hoped by today to be writing about how ALL of the pieces of the puzzle are in place and that my life is now all skittles and rainbows. Heh. First of all I'm buried under 20" of...