Lola In The City

OK, I've shared some embarrassing and shameful experiences here.  This one is right up there. 

I think I've mentioned, maybe once or twice, my draw to gay men.  Yes? 

And I've told the occasional story that involves my fondness for adult beverages.  Right? 

Have I brought up my recent "cougar" tendencies?  Maybe briefly. 

Well, here is a story that has it all!!! 

I often wonder why I don't interact with the other people in my building more often.  I mean, the reasons are obvious with regards to Creepy Landlord.  But what about the couple in the apartment in front of me?  Today I realized why.  They are douchebags. 

I usually do my laundry on Mondays because, with the exception of Creepy, everyone else is typically working so I don't have to wait for the washer and dryer.  Not the case today.  I sta...

I got home from work the other day and got ready to take the dog for a walk.  I put on my usual ratty jeans (you know the ones - the only ones that still fit comfortably and have holes in them).  I had on my schlumpy brown sweater and my dog walking shoes.  My make up was almost all gone and what was left on my face was not were it originally began.  Oh, yeah.  I looked hot.  But who cares.  I was just going to walk the dog.  

I ran i...

I was having a conversation with my friend Cam about the inappropriatness of me dating someone his age.  It went something like this:

Me:  "24 is too young for me.  It's just NOT appropriate."

Cam: "Sure it is.  Half your age plus 7."

Me: "Right.  That means 27.  27 or older is appropriate." 

Cam:  (Puzzled look.)

Me: "You do realize I'm 40, right?"

I finally hit rock bottom, both as a fat kid and in my inability to attract men. 

The other night I stayed late at work to meet and greet a new class of volunteer trainees.  I had been told that I should keep an eye out for one guy in particular.  Tall, attractive, possibly single, almost definitely straight (heard that before).  While waiting for folks to arrive I was enjoying some tasty caramel corn.  I was just shoveling one handful into my mouth...

10.  He drinks cheap beer.  I mean REALLY cheap beer.  PBR.  And I now have a 12 pack of it because I'm a nice person and actually brought that swill into my home so it would be here for him. 

9.  He smokes.  Not a lot but enough. 

8.  He dances like a white boy. 

7.  He lives with his parents.  He had a really good reason for this but still...

6.  He wou...

For the first time in four years I actually had a date on Valentine's Day.  It wasn't a big deal.  We've only been out a few times.  There were no fireworks but he made me laugh and we seemed to have a bit in common.  And he cooks.  There was no mention by either of us that this was Valentine's Day.  No biggie.  However, I had dropped hints that tonight might be THE night (sorry Mom).  I even shaved my legs and put on my pretty underwear (including an i...

Two years ago today I arrived in Chicago, making it my new home.  I'd spent almost 20 years in Richmond, VA and I was excited for a new start.  I'd left behind:

An ex-husband

A mediocre job

Some good friendships

Some toxic friendships

And a place that served sushi and tater tots. 

I was going to work for a company that treated me like one of the family...that is until ...

Wow!  It's been a while.  Remember that New Year's resolution to get out more, even if it was on my own?  Funny thing is I really haven't had to put that into action much so far this year.  Not even a month into 2010 and it has been a fun one!  Granted, I did start the new year off by going to see the Black Keys by myself on New Year's Day.  It was a great show (even if I was surrounded by hipsters and douchbags).  Since then I've had a pretty full social ca...

I have always been told that I am one of the guys. 

I have always had lots of guy friends.  My mom once told me that she knew my ex-husband was "the one" because he was the first guy I ever introduced them to that I didn't say, "Oh, we're just friends."  (Granted, this conversation was before he became my EX-husband.)

In my much younger days I was once told that I drank like a man.

After an awkward football-watchi...

I'm getting ready to go spend Thanksgiving with some friends and coworkers.  The original plan was for my mom to come to Chicago for Thanksgiving.  I'll admit I was disappointed when she cancelled.  But now I'm really looking forward to a non-traditional holiday.  When I was still married I always had dreams of a perfect Norman Rockwell type holiday.  What we ended up with was usually closer to a Good Ol' Fashioned Griswald Family Christmas (minus the electrocuted cat...

OK, I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet.  And usually I'm not a big believer in New Year's resolutions.  If you want to make a change in your life - lose weight, stop smoking, exercise, work towards world peace, whatever - then just do it.  Why do you have to wait until January 1?  However, I am no good at taking my own advice and apparently need some sort of symbolic gesture or significant date to get off my ass and make a change. 

For months I h...

I've been known to brag about how I must have an iron immune system by now between riding public transportation and being in contact with people from all over the world on a daily basis.  Wrong.  I am now on day number 6 of feeling like death warmed over.  I've been in my pajamas more than out of them since Saturday afternoon, I'm nesting in the pillows on the sofa like Lola, and now she is looking at me like, "You look like Mommy but you sure don't sound like her...

I was on my way home on the Green Line the other night, reading my book and minding my own business, when I started to catch bits and pieces of a conversation further down the car.  Two men were comparing their prison records.  Not just that, but also the finer legal points of voluntary vs. involuntary manslaughter.  I think both had been convicted of some form of manslaughter but I only know of one for sure.  That's because he stood up and acted out the scenario which lea...

Why is it that happy endings always involve the couple getting together in the end???  Where is the story about a strong, independent woman who realizes it is fine to be alone? 

I just finished reading "I Am Charlotte Simmons" by Tom Wolfe.  His characters are usually pretty unlikeable anyway, but the person that gave me the book said, "Keep reading!  It will be worth it in the end."  It's about a girl that leaves the mountains of North Carolina to ...

As I have grown older my taste buds have matured.  Things that in the past I never would have considered eating are now some of my favorites.   

I've moved past my childhood trauma and have learned to love fresh asparagus (although I still avoid the source of my trauma - canned asparagus).

I've learned that real cheese does not come individually wrapped in perfect little squares.  In fact some of the best cheeses aren't even yellow and ...

So I'm going to see a guy tomorrow that several people have expressed that they think could be a match for me.  They are basing this on the following:

1. He's friendly.
   
2. He's attractive.
   
3. He's age appropriate.
   
4. They think he is straight AND single (but no one knows for sure). 
   

I met him once several months ago and I can confirm that: 

1. He's friendly.
2. He's attractive.
3. He's age a...

I met up with a couple of friends last night after work.  During the course of the evening we talked about one's unfortunate African safari cancellation (but she is still going to France in the spring so she has that to look forward to).  We talked about the other's recent sky diving excursion.  Wanna know what I had to share?  The facilities guy was measuring the doors to the museum shop so he can install brushes to keep snow from blowing under the doors this winter. ...

(The story you are about to read is true.  The names have not been changed because anyone who does this deserves public ridicule.)

I got a voice mail from my sister Amanda the other day saying something like this:

"I got picked up by a guy in Wal-Mart!  And he was actually cute." 

My voice mail response:

"Liar.  There are no cute men at Wal-Mart.  And what the fuck wer...

I went to put on my jeans the other day - my comfy, stretchy jeans.  Guess what.  No so comfy.  My days of gooey croissants from Medici Bakery, fresh mozzarella sandwiches from University Market, cheesy bratwurst from Paulina Meat Market and copious amounts of Triple Ginger Snaps from Trader Joe's has caught up with me.  Not to mention the damage it does to my wallet.  

When I'm in my right mind and not being seduced by fatty pastries, sa...